Alex's Gophers

//Just something I found on my school network drive
//Wrote this a while back when I was bored
//Please, just dont ask..


Gophers. are fun. They are small and dumb and make great footballs. Because of their overpowering and awesome brainpower it is easy to convince them to participate in your ‘sport’. I advise sedating them first so they’re not fully out, but still sorta too loopy to resist. Unfortunately, the whole gohping thing really is a serious issue and is considered a medical condition these days, so its best on one sees you. If you’re caught, just claim that you’re going through withdrawal and have to go play every once in a while, but are trying to quit. Unless, that is, the observer happens to be a dirty arsonist. In this case, I advise you to fill all your socks with Freon and try to get away as fast as you can, because I still have that machete in the basement and will try to eat the pickles of SATAN if you do not first reach the Valley of the Silver Cows and speak to their leader, Mo’roN. Good ‘ol Mo will probably try to eat your kidney first, but make sure you can get the sensor array out of his stomach without using the space ship and you’ll be fine. After that, you should continue your journey to the Moon in a hot-air balloon. Unless, that is, you happen to see another of those pesky pterodactyls. In that case, you should begin your decent back to earth in your body. However fun it may be, you MUST resist the urge to land on the Giant Lilly pad, or the evil mutant salamander lords will come and try to use you as a bridge into across the Great Lake of FireLlamamazz. Now the only way to defeat the terrible beasts is to call them names like “FuzzleFace” or “Lord and Master’, and they should be quivering in terror in no time. At this point you should defiantly take out your handy magical duct tape horse reigns and fly away to the nearest cloud before the evil Algebra Books from the endless burning pit next th the